


'"hey now, we'll be ok."

by starsungie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, M/M, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:48:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22535770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsungie/pseuds/starsungie
Summary: changbin and hyunjin don't really talk.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 57





	'"hey now, we'll be ok."

changbin can only feel like himself when he’s making music or when he’s making love to hyunjin. the days that go by without either feel meaningless. 

they knew each other when they were kids, separated during high school, then met again after. it was easy how changbin fell in love with him. hyunjin who is beautiful, in every sort of way. without words they know what the other wants. so they never really talk. 

sometimes changbin watches a movie and he sees the leads fall in love, and he can only think of hyunjin and him. and when the characters marry each other, and live together, have children together, changbin’s breath is taken away. he wants that with hyunjin. 

then he reminds himself he’s watching a movie. he’s seen what happens in real life rather than fantasy. he’s seen it with his parents and with his sisters. he doesn’t want that with hyunjin. 

on a day without either, he takes hours to sleep, wishing he could. he doesn’t want the loneliness that surrounds him. he doesn’t want to think about how he’s done nothing in his life, can’t be better at making music, cant be better at anything, can’t be with hyunjin. it’s sting after sting after sting, hurting until the point becomes dull. everything is numb, and changbin doesn’t know if music or hyunjin are worth it. only then he sleeps, with his sad muddled brain. 

when hyunjin is over, leaning his head on changbin’s shoulder, everything feels so worth it. his senses become sharper, life feels more like he’s heard it should. hyunjin laughs at something stupid someone said, and it makes changbin grin. he looks too shocked at something too simple and changbin can’t help but look at his face, so wondrously comical, and fall more and more in love. hyunjin rolls his eyes, he grins at others expense but feels apologetic later, he sees more than the surface. he’s mean and kind and changbin is so in love with him. 

when hyunjin ignores him for weeks on end, changbin doesn’t bother to call. he’s in love, but so what? so what, so what, so what. they don’t even fight. they say nothing to each other, they ignore each other, they make each other feel like they don’t care. 

changbin misses hyunjin. it’s the longest they haven’t talk, seen, heard of each other. it’s been months. his music sounds terrible in his ears, and suddenly one day, he can’t care about it at all. he cries that day because music is his passion. why can’t he care about it? why can’t he love his music as he usually does? it wasn’t suppose to be like that. music is suppose to make him want to live. why does it feel so gone from him? with hyunjin it’s always been an off and on feeling of caring. music was the only constant lifeline, even if some days it was barely just a bit. 

he wants to die. it’s a thought he’s always felt in the back of his head, something he repressed, come to life in a dead room. he squeezes his eyes shut, unable to escape the wish of death. he can’t take it. he sees himself jumping off a building, walking into speeding cars, downing pills, flashes of it invading his brain, wishing it could happen, wishing he didn’t feel this way. 

he wants to know what being normal feels like. he wants to feel what he feels when he’s with hyunjin. 

he’s pathetic. 

-

there’s a knock on his door. changbin hasn’t gone out in days. the door opens, so he knows it’s hyunjin, because only hyunjin knows where he keeps the spare key. when he opens the bedroom, he slips into the bed without a word. changbin is staring at a wall, facing away, unfeeling. hyunjin wraps his arms around changbin, pulls him closer and closer. he rests his head on changbin’s back and begins to tremble. he sniffs at times, but otherwise his crying is silent. 

changbin finally moves, grasping hyunjin’s hand that has his shirt screwed shut around his fingers. he holds it, and begins to feel sadder than he has in the days he was completely numb. he shifts around, face to face with hyunjin who’s tear stricken, eyes puffed red. in the same way that they both ignore each other without knowing who really began, they kiss each other. it makes everything worse. it makes changbin feel like his world is ending. he had accepted he’d probably never see hyunjin again, but there he is, and changbin wishes it was a dream. but his dreams with hyunjin weren’t this devastating, so he knows it’s real. it crushes his heart. 

they push and pull, clothes coming off, breaths getting heavier. they know each other so well they don’t need words. pleasuring each other is a language known only to themselves, exchanged when hyunjin kisses down changbin’s neck and chest and changbin’s eager hand roaming hyunjin’s hair and body. 

they look into each other’s eyes, say what their mouths won’t. ‘i love you. i miss you.’

-

changbin’s life recollects, pieces of a fallen puzzle arranging themselves in place. hyunjin laughs too loudly, changbin slaps his shoulder because it gives him a headache, hyunjin pouts and changbin kisses it off with an eye roll, hyunjin looking far too smug. he goes to the music studio with a burning heart, lyrics and beats overflowing, being created in a way that makes changbin feel on top of the world. he meets with his friends who coo at him even when he’s glaring. they tell hyunjin and him they’re glad they’re back together. changbin doesn’t bother telling them they didn’t break up, or that they weren’t together in the first place. he glances at hyunjin who has a weird look on his face when they say they make a nice couple. for once, changbin doesn’t know what’s on his mind. 

a couple weeks later, changbin is boiling with questions. hyunjin would stop mid conversation, that same odd look, and changbin almost asks. they move on, continue their conversation, but changbin cant tell what’s on his mind. changbin would smile at a cute animal video, look up to see if hyunjin’s still watching with him, and there’d be that look again, and again, changbin doesn’t know what’s on his mind. it’s a strange development. 

the last time was a close call, changbin knows. he was a fingers touch away from losing hyunjin. changbin thought he could trust their nonexistent communication, but fear is crawling in his heart. yet he knows, from the way his parents fight each other to his sisters infidelity that attachment is too dangerous. 

but he doesn’t know if he can keep going without them knowing for sure. changbin realizes for the first time that he wants to get closer. his breath is still taken away with the thought of marrying hyunjin, living with him, having children with him. he wants to trust him fully. 

so, when hyunjin gives him that look again, changbin doesn’t hesitate to ask. 

“are you okay? you’ve been giving me these weird looks. are you alright?” 

hyunjin is star struck. his mouth gapes and his eyes are too wide, and changbin almost wants to laugh at how dramatic he is. instead he smiles fondly, takes his hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles. 

“huh?”

changbin smirks. “i’m serious. quit it with that face.” 

hyunjin laughs shortly, then tears well up on his face. changbin panics. 

“hey, hey, what’s wrong,” changbin hurries, caressing his cheeks. 

“i think that was the first time you asked me if i was okay,” hyunjin says, voice breaking mid sentence. his breaths shudders and he hugs changbin close to him, leaning his head on top of changbin’s. changbin hugs him back tighter.

“i love you. i missed you so much. how have you been, where did you go, are you okay?” changbin spills out, wanting to know everything, wanting to get closer, wanting their lives attached even at the danger of breaking apart and the pain that would come with it. hyunjin laughs as he sobs, and changbin spills more and more of his emotions and questions. hyunjin pulls back with a smile full of sunshine.

“i’ll tell you everything, if you do as well. let’s talk. like, really talk.” 

changbin nods, gripping their tangled hands. “we’ll talk. i have so much to tell you.”

“me too,” hyunjin says, eyes bright though still teary.

“i was so worried, you know. that you’d leave again, and we would never see each other, and i don’t want that because i love you,” changbin says.

“i love you too,” hyunjin says, embracing him, filling changbin with warmth. changbin shudders a bit, close to crying himself. hyunjin hugs tighter, voice sounding tearful, yet hopeful. “hey now, we’ll be okay. we’ll do better. we’ll be alright.”

**Author's Note:**

> my debut work!!! ik its short but pls tell me what you think :)


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